I Aim to Pees

So… this happened.

A few weeks ago, Matt and I were watching a movie and I was drinking a la croix which gave me the hiccups. When I couldn’t get it to stop by holding my breath I went upstairs to drink from the faucet with a spoon in my mouth against my cheek because Matt SWEARS by this technique.

No dice. I decided to take Murphy out for some yard time while I waited for it to stop.

We were out there for a few minutes when I had one of those pee attacks where it’s now or never. I knew I wouldn’t make it back to the house and into the bathroom, so I dropped trou and crouched in a corner. Just then, Matt came out to see what the hell was taking so long and caught me red… butted.

I was yelling “no no go back inside” as I pulled my denim shorts on but I wasn’t done so I peed my pants anyway. Then I ran in to explain and he said, “My God, Rachel! There are children in the next yard!”

(They couldn’t see me I’m sure)

I briefly considered committing hari kari but didn’t want that to be my last act on earth so I swallowed my shame.

Anyway, it got rid of my hiccups!!! I highly recommend this cure. Works 100% of the times I tried it.

In other old lady news I just caught someone checking out my butt at Smith’s grocery store. I was grossed out and walked away pulling my shirt waist down to my thighs to hide my ass, when I remembered that I will turn 43 this weekend.

I’m in my mid forties and I can’t control my bladder sometimes, but I still appear fuckable from certain angles.

I’ll take it.