I Aim to Pees

So… this happened.

A few weeks ago, Matt and I were watching a movie and I was drinking a la croix which gave me the hiccups. When I couldn’t get it to stop by holding my breath I went upstairs to drink from the faucet with a spoon in my mouth against my cheek because Matt SWEARS by this technique.

No dice. I decided to take Murphy out for some yard time while I waited for it to stop.

We were out there for a few minutes when I had one of those pee attacks where it’s now or never. I knew I wouldn’t make it back to the house and into the bathroom, so I dropped trou and crouched in a corner. Just then, Matt came out to see what the hell was taking so long and caught me red… butted.

I was yelling “no no go back inside” as I pulled my denim shorts on but I wasn’t done so I peed my pants anyway. Then I ran in to explain and he said, “My God, Rachel! There are children in the next yard!”

(They couldn’t see me I’m sure)

I briefly considered committing hari kari but didn’t want that to be my last act on earth so I swallowed my shame.

Anyway, it got rid of my hiccups!!! I highly recommend this cure. Works 100% of the times I tried it.

In other old lady news I just caught someone checking out my butt at Smith’s grocery store. I was grossed out and walked away pulling my shirt waist down to my thighs to hide my ass, when I remembered that I will turn 43 this weekend.

I’m in my mid forties and I can’t control my bladder sometimes, but I still appear fuckable from certain angles.

I’ll take it.

About Rachel Lewis

I am a writer, ceramic artist, knitter, and new stepparent. As a playwright, I had six short plays produced in showcases and festivals in Manhattan, Salt Lake City, and Austin. My full-length play, Locking Doors, was presented by Wordsmith Theatre Company in The New Lab Theatre (University of Utah) in 2005. I co-wrote a teleplay titled “Thank God I’m Atheist” which won the 2015 “No God But Funny” contest founded by the Center for Inquiry. My short nonfiction essay, “It’s Coming Down,” was published by the online literary magazine Halfway Down the Stairs. I currently work in pharmaceuticals professionally and write recreationally, but dream of making the transition to write professionally and do pharmaceuticals recreationally. I am a Utah native and live in Salt Lake City with my Yorkshire terrier, Wensleydale Doggiepants. I am working on a collection of humorous non-fiction essays and a second full-length play. Follow me at: rachelclewis.com @rachel_lewis_ut (Twitter) @rachel_lewis_ut (Instagram)

One response to “I Aim to Pees

  1. Randi Spicer

    HAHAHAHA! This was great. #beenthere

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