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Madame Pattirini
In the year 1885, after B. Morris Young returned from the second of what would be three missions for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints in the Hawaiian Islands, he began performing publicly as a female impersonator under the stage name of Madame Pattirini. Madame Pattirini, styled as a famous Italian soprano, has recently gained queer icon status in social media and through the sale of Madam Pattirini Small Batch Gin, made by Ogden’s Own Distillery in Ogden Utah, which uses the 1901 image of Young’s now famous postcard as its label. This photo has circulated along with a few sneers, side-eye emojis, and more than a few…
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Just Curious
We were dropping Murphy off at Camp Barksalot for a weekend stay before taking off on a short trip. They took him back to play and I was settling the bill when a man walked in behind me and spoke to the groomer/ camp counselor. “Hello,” he said. “I’m here to pick up Barack.” I handed over the signed form and started to follow Matt out the door, but I was dragging my feet. I stopped to look at a shelf of merch and started poking through the discount leash selection. Matt realized I wasn’t behind him and returned to my side. “Do we need another leash?” “Oh…” I said,…
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Some Unwanted Advice from Your Great Aunt Rae
Dear Class of 2023, I want to tell you something that I wish someone had told me when I was your age. You won’t listen. I wouldn’t have either. But I’m going to tell you anyway. I know you have all been warned about the dangers of drinking alcohol when you are underage. You have been told that it is sinful, or bad for your brain and body, or that it isn’t what smart kids do. I heard all of those things, too. I drank anyway to rebel against those voices. What I didn’t know – what I wish I had been prepared for – is once you reach the…
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Taking a Stance
I know this is controversial, but I’ve been losing sleep over the SCOTUS lately and I want to share my concern. And, honestly, I think it is about time that I came out. I am pro-life. I am also pro-choice. I’ll go one step further: I am pro-abortion. It is a life saving medical procedure and it needs to be available and safe for myriad reasons. Wait, what did you say? I can’t be pro-life and pro-abortion? It isn’t possible? There is only one way to be pro-life and that is to be absolutely certain that life begins at conception and that everything that happens after that is up to…
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Be Advised
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Thank You, Baby Kiln Gods!
I owe you one. I trust you to take it… you always do.
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A Prayer to the Kiln Gods
Dearest Kiln Gods, Oyez, oyez, oyez! I am a person having business before thou, oh honorable though oft merciless deities. I draw near to ask for thy attention, oh Wrathful Ones, to beg for thy protection, even as I know I am undeserving of thy charity. I tremble before this alter to proclaim a sacrifice was made in thy honor, oh great Scary Beasties of the Furnace of Stoneware. It was not made intentionally, I do confess. But it was given and it’s destruction did make me wretched. Please, please, oh Fiery Gods of Loam and Ash, I ask thou to accept this sacrifice to thy glory. And in doing,…
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The Gnome Wars of Little Bohemia
When I first moved to Salt Lake City in the mid nineties, it didn’t take me long to find my favorite neighborhood. My friends called it Little Bohemia and it was artsy and modern, and a bit run down. It’s where they had the old art house movie theatre and the best little coffee shop. It’s also where you could get a vegan burrito and shop for vibrators. (Those were separate shops, to be clear.) It had the best record store, where I discovered artists like Morrissey. Obviously, the Smiths were not a new band in 1995, but I grew up in a Mormon enclave that was still obsessed with…
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Shrinkage?
This is what I get for ordering dog treats online. I’ve known a few guys who measure six inches this way… but seriously. Are we really worried about the pig’s feelings at this point?
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Here’s to You, Birthday Blues
When I married into a Chinese family, I learned that the number four is very unlucky. I thought it was maybe just my in-laws, or maybe it was just a Cantonese thing, but it wasn’t. I learned this one day when I wrote a check (it was the 90s, we still did that back then) at my local Chinese restaurant (Chop Suey Louie’s) and the guy almost didn’t take it because it was check number 444. The problem is that the Chinese word for “four” is a homophone for the word for “death.” I wrote a death death death check. I’ve been thinking about this because I just had my…